Looks like it's all on schedule

This morning while sitting on the couch enjoying some relaxation with the hubby before I go to work tonight, a cramp hit.  It has been a while since one that strong hit me and it stayed around and ached for about 15 minutes.

I took a look at the app on my phone that at one time I used to track my periods and ovulation before getting addicted to OPKs.  According to it, I would be about 10dpo and about 3-4 days from my period if it were to arrive like clockwork.  So the timing of the cramp is a good sign that I am almost like clockwork ready to hit my cycle day 1 about on schedule for a 28 day cycle based off my last cycle dates.  That is some comfort heading into my 2 month break from trying to conceive.

Who knew that something painful could be a silver lining to a dark cloud?

In a holding pattern...

Not a lot going on with me.

Normally, I would be counting down days to testing and going over every twinge or moment of nausea or sore muscle that is out of the ordinary (at least out of the ordinary in my mind).  This cycle is different.  this was the cycle of defeat and throwing my hands in the air.

The hubby and I were reeling from the beginning of testing when we can afford his sperm analysis and the sentence of being put on birth control for two months to supposedly get my cycle in order.  Because of all this we didn't really focus much on the TTC  this cycle and so it is a bust I'm sure.  That is okay though - for the first time in almost 10 months I relaxed during the two week wait.  We went out for Valentines and I enjoyed a flute of champagne - something I would have never done months prior because I would have just stressed over what the alcohol would do to the baby surely growing inside me (or so I hoped growing inside me).

Now we just sit and wait for my cycle to start sometime next week and start the pill.  As much as I hate the waiting, maybe it will be a positive 2 month vacation from everything.  Or I may go crazy during the first month. LOL.  Time will tell.  

So I find myself in that holding pattern...waiting to see what the next moment brings.

Another wound healed....another scar born

That is the thing about the wounds we have from infertility, you never really have them disappear completely.  Yes - we all get better a little at a time.  Yes - we all have victories in the face of bumps in the road.  Yes - we will never forget what we we've been through and feel it from time to time.  The point is we heal no matter what little scar of where we've been is left behind.  The scar is always better than the wound....it isn't attractive or easy to deal with on given days when you'd rather just be able to cover it up with just the right makeup, but it is better than the initial pain of the created wound.

Tonight one more wound sealed itself and forever became a wound.  One of my friends went into labor and I got the text from the proud daddy-to-be once they were at the hospital.  "Baby number 4 is on the way."  This is a text that a part of me was dreading and a part of me was excited looking forward to it.  Excitement won over tonight when that text appeared.  Without thought, I smiled and replied congrats daddy and give momma a hug then asked if they needed company.  That's right - I actually offered to go to a waiting room where we would hear all the news of the baby when she was born without giving any thought to how that could emotionally slam me.  Why?  Because that one little wound of the thought of my friends baby wasn't as much of an emotional slam as I once was afraid of it being.

By no means would I call myself cured of the emotional wreckage left behind by my miscarriage and the long journey still trying to get pregnant again.  However, it is hopefully a step in the direction of healing.  A healing process that will bring me closer to peace and a pregnancy of my own for a take home baby.

The pill??? Really?

So I had my doctor's appointment a few days ago and it has taken me a few days to get my thoughts together to write about it.

It was one of those take the good with the bad type visits.  It did start us on the road to figuring out why I'm not pregnant and hopefully getting me pregnant sooner rather than later.  That was good since I'm not having to wait a year before starting the process (only 9 months lol).  The doctor made a positive move to get my hubby a referral to a fertility doctor for a full semen analysis to ease any thoughts of the male factor being an issue.  The doctor also said he wanted me back in 2 weeks approximately for a CD21 blood draw to check levels of hormones and progesterone to make sure I'm within normal levels.  All of that is a great step forward to answers and even though it isn't an immediate cure it is something.

Then the doctor said something that knocked the wind out of me.  Not sure it was literally knocked out of me, but it definitely felt like it.  The pain in the stomach, the trying to catch my breath, the feeling of tears in my eyes.  He wants to put me on birth control pills for 2 months to try and figure out my cycle and get it back on a more predictable schedule I suppose.

I just am not sure I am a big fan of the start and stop method of trying to conceive.  In the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) it pops up that with a 2 month hold it will put me in the official trying for a year category.  I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be trying to bring a bundle of joy into this world for a year with no success.  I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but by no means the worst either.  It shouldn't take this much time.  Then the next thought....not only is the delay during the pill, but the delay of coming off the pill before my body is ready to carry a child.  Granted last time when I came off the pill after 5 years on it, I was pregnant in only two months.  Hopefully I can have the same kind of success rate - but then again that pregnancy (my only pregnancy) ended in a miscarriage a month after I found out I was pregnant.  So if I do get pregnant quickly after this time of the pill will it end the same way?

All I can do is wait and wonder at the moment.  I do try and stay as hopeful as possible.  Thankfully I have a wonderfully understanding hubby, great friends, and even some women who have sadly the greatest understanding of all in my online forum.

Nerves

I find myself getting a case of the nerves about tomorrow's appointment.  I felt the butterflies right after the office called to confirm for tomorrow.

It makes no rational sense to be nervous about a consultation, but I just can't help it.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I come away with good news and a foundation for eliminating stress surrounding my TTC battle. My battle is such a short lived one so far when I compare it to some of the women I've talked to who are trying to conceive as well.  How is it in just 9 months I can feel like such a failure?

So here I am, with a case of nerves.  Rational or not.

Appointment made

Over the past couple of weeks, I've really been wrestling with the idea of making a doctor's appointment to access what is going on with my body and why it seems like forever trying to get pregnant.  It was almost immediate gratification when I got pregnant before and now it just seems like a never ending cycle of disappointment.

A part of me kept avoiding making that important call because I am scared of what I might find out.  My mind goes to worst case scenarios of cysts and the like that have developed and are preventing pregnancy.  Of course, I'm hopeful it is a case of a simple levels that with the right medication will level out and allow for a happy and healthy 9 months of pregnancy.  It has been a real back and forth battle.  A back and forth battle that at it's lowest point would leave me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  A feeling I had even as I picked up the phone to make the call.  

Even as I hit the button to dial the doctor's office, I almost chickened out.  Throwing out there, I still have 3 months to try and fix this on my own.  Though I don't know if there is anything to fix and if there is if I can do it on my own.  Perhaps that is my stubborn independent streak.  Perhaps it is just my fear of the unknown.  Either way....I DID make that call.

I explained that I needed a pre-pregnancy checkup to see what is going on and to prepare for a healthy pregnancy.  I let them know I was entering my 9th cycle of unsuccessful trying and that my cycles were not as regular as they were before the miscarriage and at this point I would think they would have evened out a bit.  It was weird that everything kinda rushed out of my mouth when they answered the phone as if I was worried that if I didn't get it out then I never would.  It was such a relief when I heard "Let's schedule you a consultation".  Before I knew it, they brought me right up on the computer had my information handy and on this coming Tuesday the 31st I have an appointment set.  

I know that it is a mere consultation to go over what has been happening since the miscarriage and at very most they will probably do just a general woman's health and figure out a game plan of what we want to test for and when to come in for those to time them with my cycle.  Baby steps.  It is a step in the right direction though and I am going to focus on the hopeful versus the fear of what we might find out.

8 Months, 1 week, and 6 days.....

This is how long my hubby and I have been waiting to have a baby together. Today also starts a brand new cycle (yep back to CD1), so I'm guaranteed at least a 9 month wait to see those beautiful two pink lines.

Now I've read all the publications on how it takes a healthy couple up to a year to successfully conceive, yet that doesn't make me feel any better. Mainly because I feel cheated. In May 2011, after only being off birth control for a month and a half I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant. I thought it would take longer and was thrilled that my wait to be a mother was over. I only got to enjoy that feeling for a month though and then I got the news no pregnant woman wants to hear - you are going to miscarry. To top it off...I heard the news right before going on our anniversary trip. We had not been able to take a honeymoon, so we were correcting that on our one year anniversary.

Some days I wonder if it wouldn't feel like such a defeat each month when my cycle restarts if I had never seen those two pink lines. If I was still just waiting around to get pregnant for the first time would the months go by easier? Parts of me say yes and some say by this point either way I would be impatient and starting to practically obsess.

My life has become a roller coaster of emotions with a new hill and drop every two weeks. I'm at the bottom looking up at the moment. I will creep up that steep hill for the next two weeks waiting for ovulation....slowing growing speed and happy anticipation. Next comes the two week wait that is broken down to that little stretch of neutral ground coming around til you see that drop ahead of you. You hold your breath wondering if there is a way out, but knowing there is none so you commit and you are along for the ride as you start to plunge forward and downward as the two week wait ends and you feel devastated with each BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then the arrival of the witch. Of course, just like all those other people out there that love a good roller coaster, I get back in line ready to do it all over again. Month after month, I get in line. Eventually, I really want to get off this ride. I want to be a mother. I want to hold my baby in my arms and feel them snuggle close knowing they are so loved.

I do have an awesomely supportive hubby. I can't tell you how many times each month I've broken down in his arms. I'm still trying to figure out how he managed to keep me together (as together as I could be) during the weeks of the miscarriage. I say weeks because I decided to take the natural route and let my body handle it instead of go through a D&C.

I have also found a group of understanding women in the same situation or worse than me at twoweekwait.com.

Now I begin this blog. Hopefully, by writing here regularly during the roller coaster during the hills and the drops....the good days and the bad days....it will help find a calm in the storm and help me get to the point where my body is at a greater peace and able to conceive.