This is how long my hubby and I have been waiting to have a baby together. Today also starts a brand new cycle (yep back to CD1), so I'm guaranteed at least a 9 month wait to see those beautiful two pink lines.
Now I've read all the publications on how it takes a healthy couple up to a year to successfully conceive, yet that doesn't make me feel any better. Mainly because I feel cheated. In May 2011, after only being off birth control for a month and a half I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant. I thought it would take longer and was thrilled that my wait to be a mother was over. I only got to enjoy that feeling for a month though and then I got the news no pregnant woman wants to hear - you are going to miscarry. To top it off...I heard the news right before going on our anniversary trip. We had not been able to take a honeymoon, so we were correcting that on our one year anniversary.
Some days I wonder if it wouldn't feel like such a defeat each month when my cycle restarts if I had never seen those two pink lines. If I was still just waiting around to get pregnant for the first time would the months go by easier? Parts of me say yes and some say by this point either way I would be impatient and starting to practically obsess.
My life has become a roller coaster of emotions with a new hill and drop every two weeks. I'm at the bottom looking up at the moment. I will creep up that steep hill for the next two weeks waiting for ovulation....slowing growing speed and happy anticipation. Next comes the two week wait that is broken down to that little stretch of neutral ground coming around til you see that drop ahead of you. You hold your breath wondering if there is a way out, but knowing there is none so you commit and you are along for the ride as you start to plunge forward and downward as the two week wait ends and you feel devastated with each BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then the arrival of the witch. Of course, just like all those other people out there that love a good roller coaster, I get back in line ready to do it all over again. Month after month, I get in line. Eventually, I really want to get off this ride. I want to be a mother. I want to hold my baby in my arms and feel them snuggle close knowing they are so loved.
I do have an awesomely supportive hubby. I can't tell you how many times each month I've broken down in his arms. I'm still trying to figure out how he managed to keep me together (as together as I could be) during the weeks of the miscarriage. I say weeks because I decided to take the natural route and let my body handle it instead of go through a D&C.
I have also found a group of understanding women in the same situation or worse than me at twoweekwait.com.
Now I begin this blog. Hopefully, by writing here regularly during the roller coaster during the hills and the drops....the good days and the bad days....it will help find a calm in the storm and help me get to the point where my body is at a greater peace and able to conceive.
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