This morning while sitting on the couch enjoying some relaxation with the hubby before I go to work tonight, a cramp hit. It has been a while since one that strong hit me and it stayed around and ached for about 15 minutes.
I took a look at the app on my phone that at one time I used to track my periods and ovulation before getting addicted to OPKs. According to it, I would be about 10dpo and about 3-4 days from my period if it were to arrive like clockwork. So the timing of the cramp is a good sign that I am almost like clockwork ready to hit my cycle day 1 about on schedule for a 28 day cycle based off my last cycle dates. That is some comfort heading into my 2 month break from trying to conceive.
Who knew that something painful could be a silver lining to a dark cloud?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
In a holding pattern...
Not a lot going on with me.
Normally, I would be counting down days to testing and going over every twinge or moment of nausea or sore muscle that is out of the ordinary (at least out of the ordinary in my mind). This cycle is different. this was the cycle of defeat and throwing my hands in the air.
The hubby and I were reeling from the beginning of testing when we can afford his sperm analysis and the sentence of being put on birth control for two months to supposedly get my cycle in order. Because of all this we didn't really focus much on the TTC this cycle and so it is a bust I'm sure. That is okay though - for the first time in almost 10 months I relaxed during the two week wait. We went out for Valentines and I enjoyed a flute of champagne - something I would have never done months prior because I would have just stressed over what the alcohol would do to the baby surely growing inside me (or so I hoped growing inside me).
Now we just sit and wait for my cycle to start sometime next week and start the pill. As much as I hate the waiting, maybe it will be a positive 2 month vacation from everything. Or I may go crazy during the first month. LOL. Time will tell.
So I find myself in that holding pattern...waiting to see what the next moment brings.
Normally, I would be counting down days to testing and going over every twinge or moment of nausea or sore muscle that is out of the ordinary (at least out of the ordinary in my mind). This cycle is different. this was the cycle of defeat and throwing my hands in the air.
The hubby and I were reeling from the beginning of testing when we can afford his sperm analysis and the sentence of being put on birth control for two months to supposedly get my cycle in order. Because of all this we didn't really focus much on the TTC this cycle and so it is a bust I'm sure. That is okay though - for the first time in almost 10 months I relaxed during the two week wait. We went out for Valentines and I enjoyed a flute of champagne - something I would have never done months prior because I would have just stressed over what the alcohol would do to the baby surely growing inside me (or so I hoped growing inside me).
Now we just sit and wait for my cycle to start sometime next week and start the pill. As much as I hate the waiting, maybe it will be a positive 2 month vacation from everything. Or I may go crazy during the first month. LOL. Time will tell.
So I find myself in that holding pattern...waiting to see what the next moment brings.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Another wound healed....another scar born
That is the thing about the wounds we have from infertility, you never really have them disappear completely. Yes - we all get better a little at a time. Yes - we all have victories in the face of bumps in the road. Yes - we will never forget what we we've been through and feel it from time to time. The point is we heal no matter what little scar of where we've been is left behind. The scar is always better than the wound....it isn't attractive or easy to deal with on given days when you'd rather just be able to cover it up with just the right makeup, but it is better than the initial pain of the created wound.
Tonight one more wound sealed itself and forever became a wound. One of my friends went into labor and I got the text from the proud daddy-to-be once they were at the hospital. "Baby number 4 is on the way." This is a text that a part of me was dreading and a part of me was excited looking forward to it. Excitement won over tonight when that text appeared. Without thought, I smiled and replied congrats daddy and give momma a hug then asked if they needed company. That's right - I actually offered to go to a waiting room where we would hear all the news of the baby when she was born without giving any thought to how that could emotionally slam me. Why? Because that one little wound of the thought of my friends baby wasn't as much of an emotional slam as I once was afraid of it being.
By no means would I call myself cured of the emotional wreckage left behind by my miscarriage and the long journey still trying to get pregnant again. However, it is hopefully a step in the direction of healing. A healing process that will bring me closer to peace and a pregnancy of my own for a take home baby.
Tonight one more wound sealed itself and forever became a wound. One of my friends went into labor and I got the text from the proud daddy-to-be once they were at the hospital. "Baby number 4 is on the way." This is a text that a part of me was dreading and a part of me was excited looking forward to it. Excitement won over tonight when that text appeared. Without thought, I smiled and replied congrats daddy and give momma a hug then asked if they needed company. That's right - I actually offered to go to a waiting room where we would hear all the news of the baby when she was born without giving any thought to how that could emotionally slam me. Why? Because that one little wound of the thought of my friends baby wasn't as much of an emotional slam as I once was afraid of it being.
By no means would I call myself cured of the emotional wreckage left behind by my miscarriage and the long journey still trying to get pregnant again. However, it is hopefully a step in the direction of healing. A healing process that will bring me closer to peace and a pregnancy of my own for a take home baby.
Friday, February 3, 2012
The pill??? Really?
So I had my doctor's appointment a few days ago and it has taken me a few days to get my thoughts together to write about it.
It was one of those take the good with the bad type visits. It did start us on the road to figuring out why I'm not pregnant and hopefully getting me pregnant sooner rather than later. That was good since I'm not having to wait a year before starting the process (only 9 months lol). The doctor made a positive move to get my hubby a referral to a fertility doctor for a full semen analysis to ease any thoughts of the male factor being an issue. The doctor also said he wanted me back in 2 weeks approximately for a CD21 blood draw to check levels of hormones and progesterone to make sure I'm within normal levels. All of that is a great step forward to answers and even though it isn't an immediate cure it is something.
Then the doctor said something that knocked the wind out of me. Not sure it was literally knocked out of me, but it definitely felt like it. The pain in the stomach, the trying to catch my breath, the feeling of tears in my eyes. He wants to put me on birth control pills for 2 months to try and figure out my cycle and get it back on a more predictable schedule I suppose.
I just am not sure I am a big fan of the start and stop method of trying to conceive. In the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) it pops up that with a 2 month hold it will put me in the official trying for a year category. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be trying to bring a bundle of joy into this world for a year with no success. I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but by no means the worst either. It shouldn't take this much time. Then the next thought....not only is the delay during the pill, but the delay of coming off the pill before my body is ready to carry a child. Granted last time when I came off the pill after 5 years on it, I was pregnant in only two months. Hopefully I can have the same kind of success rate - but then again that pregnancy (my only pregnancy) ended in a miscarriage a month after I found out I was pregnant. So if I do get pregnant quickly after this time of the pill will it end the same way?
All I can do is wait and wonder at the moment. I do try and stay as hopeful as possible. Thankfully I have a wonderfully understanding hubby, great friends, and even some women who have sadly the greatest understanding of all in my online forum.
It was one of those take the good with the bad type visits. It did start us on the road to figuring out why I'm not pregnant and hopefully getting me pregnant sooner rather than later. That was good since I'm not having to wait a year before starting the process (only 9 months lol). The doctor made a positive move to get my hubby a referral to a fertility doctor for a full semen analysis to ease any thoughts of the male factor being an issue. The doctor also said he wanted me back in 2 weeks approximately for a CD21 blood draw to check levels of hormones and progesterone to make sure I'm within normal levels. All of that is a great step forward to answers and even though it isn't an immediate cure it is something.
Then the doctor said something that knocked the wind out of me. Not sure it was literally knocked out of me, but it definitely felt like it. The pain in the stomach, the trying to catch my breath, the feeling of tears in my eyes. He wants to put me on birth control pills for 2 months to try and figure out my cycle and get it back on a more predictable schedule I suppose.
I just am not sure I am a big fan of the start and stop method of trying to conceive. In the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) it pops up that with a 2 month hold it will put me in the official trying for a year category. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be trying to bring a bundle of joy into this world for a year with no success. I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but by no means the worst either. It shouldn't take this much time. Then the next thought....not only is the delay during the pill, but the delay of coming off the pill before my body is ready to carry a child. Granted last time when I came off the pill after 5 years on it, I was pregnant in only two months. Hopefully I can have the same kind of success rate - but then again that pregnancy (my only pregnancy) ended in a miscarriage a month after I found out I was pregnant. So if I do get pregnant quickly after this time of the pill will it end the same way?
All I can do is wait and wonder at the moment. I do try and stay as hopeful as possible. Thankfully I have a wonderfully understanding hubby, great friends, and even some women who have sadly the greatest understanding of all in my online forum.
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