I find myself getting a case of the nerves about tomorrow's appointment. I felt the butterflies right after the office called to confirm for tomorrow.
It makes no rational sense to be nervous about a consultation, but I just can't help it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I come away with good news and a foundation for eliminating stress surrounding my TTC battle. My battle is such a short lived one so far when I compare it to some of the women I've talked to who are trying to conceive as well. How is it in just 9 months I can feel like such a failure?
So here I am, with a case of nerves. Rational or not.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Appointment made
Over the past couple of weeks, I've really been wrestling with the idea of making a doctor's appointment to access what is going on with my body and why it seems like forever trying to get pregnant. It was almost immediate gratification when I got pregnant before and now it just seems like a never ending cycle of disappointment.
A part of me kept avoiding making that important call because I am scared of what I might find out. My mind goes to worst case scenarios of cysts and the like that have developed and are preventing pregnancy. Of course, I'm hopeful it is a case of a simple levels that with the right medication will level out and allow for a happy and healthy 9 months of pregnancy. It has been a real back and forth battle. A back and forth battle that at it's lowest point would leave me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I had even as I picked up the phone to make the call.
Even as I hit the button to dial the doctor's office, I almost chickened out. Throwing out there, I still have 3 months to try and fix this on my own. Though I don't know if there is anything to fix and if there is if I can do it on my own. Perhaps that is my stubborn independent streak. Perhaps it is just my fear of the unknown. Either way....I DID make that call.
I explained that I needed a pre-pregnancy checkup to see what is going on and to prepare for a healthy pregnancy. I let them know I was entering my 9th cycle of unsuccessful trying and that my cycles were not as regular as they were before the miscarriage and at this point I would think they would have evened out a bit. It was weird that everything kinda rushed out of my mouth when they answered the phone as if I was worried that if I didn't get it out then I never would. It was such a relief when I heard "Let's schedule you a consultation". Before I knew it, they brought me right up on the computer had my information handy and on this coming Tuesday the 31st I have an appointment set.
I know that it is a mere consultation to go over what has been happening since the miscarriage and at very most they will probably do just a general woman's health and figure out a game plan of what we want to test for and when to come in for those to time them with my cycle. Baby steps. It is a step in the right direction though and I am going to focus on the hopeful versus the fear of what we might find out.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
8 Months, 1 week, and 6 days.....
This is how long my hubby and I have been waiting to have a baby together. Today also starts a brand new cycle (yep back to CD1), so I'm guaranteed at least a 9 month wait to see those beautiful two pink lines.
Now I've read all the publications on how it takes a healthy couple up to a year to successfully conceive, yet that doesn't make me feel any better. Mainly because I feel cheated. In May 2011, after only being off birth control for a month and a half I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant. I thought it would take longer and was thrilled that my wait to be a mother was over. I only got to enjoy that feeling for a month though and then I got the news no pregnant woman wants to hear - you are going to miscarry. To top it off...I heard the news right before going on our anniversary trip. We had not been able to take a honeymoon, so we were correcting that on our one year anniversary.
Some days I wonder if it wouldn't feel like such a defeat each month when my cycle restarts if I had never seen those two pink lines. If I was still just waiting around to get pregnant for the first time would the months go by easier? Parts of me say yes and some say by this point either way I would be impatient and starting to practically obsess.
My life has become a roller coaster of emotions with a new hill and drop every two weeks. I'm at the bottom looking up at the moment. I will creep up that steep hill for the next two weeks waiting for ovulation....slowing growing speed and happy anticipation. Next comes the two week wait that is broken down to that little stretch of neutral ground coming around til you see that drop ahead of you. You hold your breath wondering if there is a way out, but knowing there is none so you commit and you are along for the ride as you start to plunge forward and downward as the two week wait ends and you feel devastated with each BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then the arrival of the witch. Of course, just like all those other people out there that love a good roller coaster, I get back in line ready to do it all over again. Month after month, I get in line. Eventually, I really want to get off this ride. I want to be a mother. I want to hold my baby in my arms and feel them snuggle close knowing they are so loved.
I do have an awesomely supportive hubby. I can't tell you how many times each month I've broken down in his arms. I'm still trying to figure out how he managed to keep me together (as together as I could be) during the weeks of the miscarriage. I say weeks because I decided to take the natural route and let my body handle it instead of go through a D&C.
I have also found a group of understanding women in the same situation or worse than me at twoweekwait.com.
Now I begin this blog. Hopefully, by writing here regularly during the roller coaster during the hills and the drops....the good days and the bad days....it will help find a calm in the storm and help me get to the point where my body is at a greater peace and able to conceive.
Now I've read all the publications on how it takes a healthy couple up to a year to successfully conceive, yet that doesn't make me feel any better. Mainly because I feel cheated. In May 2011, after only being off birth control for a month and a half I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant. I thought it would take longer and was thrilled that my wait to be a mother was over. I only got to enjoy that feeling for a month though and then I got the news no pregnant woman wants to hear - you are going to miscarry. To top it off...I heard the news right before going on our anniversary trip. We had not been able to take a honeymoon, so we were correcting that on our one year anniversary.
Some days I wonder if it wouldn't feel like such a defeat each month when my cycle restarts if I had never seen those two pink lines. If I was still just waiting around to get pregnant for the first time would the months go by easier? Parts of me say yes and some say by this point either way I would be impatient and starting to practically obsess.
My life has become a roller coaster of emotions with a new hill and drop every two weeks. I'm at the bottom looking up at the moment. I will creep up that steep hill for the next two weeks waiting for ovulation....slowing growing speed and happy anticipation. Next comes the two week wait that is broken down to that little stretch of neutral ground coming around til you see that drop ahead of you. You hold your breath wondering if there is a way out, but knowing there is none so you commit and you are along for the ride as you start to plunge forward and downward as the two week wait ends and you feel devastated with each BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then the arrival of the witch. Of course, just like all those other people out there that love a good roller coaster, I get back in line ready to do it all over again. Month after month, I get in line. Eventually, I really want to get off this ride. I want to be a mother. I want to hold my baby in my arms and feel them snuggle close knowing they are so loved.
I do have an awesomely supportive hubby. I can't tell you how many times each month I've broken down in his arms. I'm still trying to figure out how he managed to keep me together (as together as I could be) during the weeks of the miscarriage. I say weeks because I decided to take the natural route and let my body handle it instead of go through a D&C.
I have also found a group of understanding women in the same situation or worse than me at twoweekwait.com.
Now I begin this blog. Hopefully, by writing here regularly during the roller coaster during the hills and the drops....the good days and the bad days....it will help find a calm in the storm and help me get to the point where my body is at a greater peace and able to conceive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)